The question is actually about honesty: is it ok to be brutally honest with your friends ?

I was asked to give my thoughts on the topic to Aquarius magazine for the upcoming June edition and decided to share them on my blog here.

My answer is: it depends on the situation.

Being brutally honest is not always a good thing. If you take an extreme example, like the denonciation during the nazi period, you can say it was then very harmful to be honest about your Jewish neighbour.

Honesty can sometimes be more harmful than lying.

In some circumstances, if someone does something kind for you for example, a dinner that does not taste good, you can still enjoy your friend’s presence without having to say that the food is not good, that would be unnecessary.

All truths are not good to say we say in French (“Toute verite n’est pas bonne a dire”).

The same goes with friendship.

What I think is important to remember in all relationship is HOW we say things. If being brutally honest means being rude, it is in general not helpful.

We do not want to hurt someone who is happy about his love life or a new dress by being rude. If that person is happy the way he is, you can enjoy the qualities that you appreciate about him or her without pointing out to what you dislike.

However, if being brutally honest means telling the truth with love and care, then it is different: in this case you have your friend’s interest at heart first and foremost and you may actually be “brutally” honest.

In any case, before saying something I find it considerate to:

1)    ask permission; we are more likely to get the buy in and asking permission lets the other person feel involved and respected. She or he is more likely to listen to us if we ask them rather than if we just blurt our opinion out inconsiderately.

So for example, if we want to protect your friend from doing something wrong (he is with a girlfriend we think is not right for him and he is thinking about getting married), I would first listen and check if he is happy and then ask if I can give my honest opinion before I do so.

2)   Not to diminish our friend or make him or her feel stupid or unworthy.

3)    Suggest rather to impose opinions, and to speak for ourself: “I see you are not very happy with this person”, “you expressed doubts a few months ago”, “I am curious about how you are feeling now”, will get a longer way than just saying “your boyfriend is an idiot” (!); or this color looks amazing on you, you should wear it more often for example, versus “you look terrible in this dress”.

Bottom line: it is not ok to hurt our friend inconsiderately by just blurting any truths out but it is absolutely ok to want the best for our friend and to care. We should make sure that we are not being just brutal in our honesty, but that we are also being considerate and loving, otherwise our message will not be heard.

s varied and diverse as each couple is, they all face a common set of problems which brings them to seek outside help.

Here is a list the 4 most common ones:

1. Fighting: going on and on in circles around the same issues without ever finding a satisfactory solutions. This leads to frustration, withdrawal and in the long term, increased isolation from the relationship. Conflicts are characterised by the presence of 4 relationship toxins: criticism; defensiveness; stonewalling; contempt (the most harmful one).

2. Sex: not having any; having different levels of desires. As long as both partners are satisfied with that, the frequency of sex is not necessarily a problem. However, when one of the partners is unsatisfied with their sex life and fails to address this with his or partner, this can point to deeper problems in the relationship. Couple coaching is about understanding the meaning of sex for each of you, exploring questions such as intimacy and expressing what you want and need.

What is coaching?

no really what is it?

Some of you may think it is some touchy feely stuff, that is only aimed at a few “lost souls”, but definitely not yourself, because “everything is fine with me, I don’t have any problems, nothing’s wrong with me, why should I see a life coach?”

Seeing a life coach doesn’t mean that you have a problem, that you are broken and need fixing.

It doesn’t mean you are a failure, or weird, or weak.

It DOES mean you are human: you are experiencing life, with its ups and downs, its joys and its sad moments.

HOW you experience your life however will differ immensely if you look at it as a passive watcher, or if you decide to actively particpate in it, and to “be the change you want to see in the world”.

Many people come to see me because they want to reach a certain goal: that goal can vary from being happier, less stressed, worried to more concrete aspirations such wanting to change jobs.

Whatever the goal, there are two ways to go about reaching it:

- You can achieve it by taping into your ego and your small self: being better than others, having a good image, a certain sense of pride for example;

-Or you can change the being of the doing: taping into your high Self, seeking to reach a goal in accordance not only with your own unique values but also by being in tune to the needs of others.

The latter is what life coaching does: helping you to participate in your life, its ups and downs, by tapping into your fundamental goodness and to have an impact on the lives of others.

If we don’t do that, what is the point of living?

How has coaching transformed you?

Thank you.

How are you feeling today?

No really, take a moment now to check in with your body: are you feeling relaxed, fidgety, tired, nervous, sad, happy? have you even stopped to notice since you woke up this morning?

Most of us are not attuned to our emotions, especially if they are unpleasant: we push them down, suppress, avoid them. We get BUSY, find excuses, anything is better than to FEEL them.

As a life coach, I help my clients go inside within their emotions, their fears, and their joys as well.

In the name of what you may ask? if it is uncomfortable, why would you do that?

Because that which is not in our awareness cannot be transcended, it cannot be healed. If you keep avoiding it, pushing it down, it will resurface again whenever you are confronted with the same issue.

We first need to witness our unpleasant emotions, a resentment for a relative for example, a fear of failing, or whatever it is, before we can heal. We need to be able to ‘be the space” that holds the emotions.

Tune in to your emotions, which in reality means tune into your body, feel your fear, and surrender completely to it, without judgment.

This is not about analysing and understanding why you are feeling a certain way – which from a healing and spiritual standpoint does not do much. It is about noticing – like you would notice the clouds in a clear blue sky – then surrendering, and transcending your emotions.

Our emotions give us so much information. Use them.

So really, how are you feeling today?

Blessings

As I was deciding on the topic for this week’s blog, I was thinking “it is Saint Valentine tomorrow, so I have to write about Saint Valentine.”

I have to admit, I find Saint Valentine a bit of a commercial thing and I always picture these couples sitting in the restaurant together; kind of a bit “cheesy” for my taste, if that is the right expression. It also feels very artificial and forced to me.

Apparently, this attitude to Saint Valentine has even got a name: “anti-valentinism” as I discovered by browsing on the internet!

I just think that maintaining a successful and fulfilling relationship is about doing the small things often, it is about nurturing your fondness and admiration for your loved one on a daily basis, as I often say.

So if you are just nice with your partner on 14 February, and you are not the rest of the year, well, you got the point…

On the contrary, if you are already doing all the small important things in a relationship, well then Saint Valentine’ s day is just another opportunity to show your loved one that you care…AND, it is always nice to receive flowers!

So celebrate, relax, and enjoy : happy Saint Valentine everyone, may your day be filled with love and tenderness.

What are your thoughts on Saint Valentine? Do you and your partner celebrate it? or not?

It has struck me recently that men and women tend to deal with pain very differently.

Men seem to deal with extreme pain – such as the loss of a child for example – by diving into the day to day stuff, “real life”, work, focusing on maintaining a certain level of functionality in the family etc…

They kind of shut the door on their emotions by fear of hurting too much.

Women, on the other hand, often feel the need to “feel the pain”, go through to it, cry, express their feelings in order to “move forward”.

These different ways of coping with pain can drive partners apart, creating an increased sense of isolation, which in turn can build up anger and resentment.

There is no right or wrong way to deal with extreme pain; but there is a way that serves your relationship and another one that harms it.

The one that doesn’t serve the relationship is to isolate yourself completely from your partner.

We all need to deal with our pain alone at times, and we also need our pain to be seen and acknowledged by our loved one.

This is even more important as often our partner is the only person we can turn to for emotional support when loss hits us.

How have you dealt with pain and loss in your relationship? Have you worked your way through it: as a team or both on your own? What did you learn either way? has loss brought you closer or further apart?

Am curious to read your thoughts.

Warmly,

Evelyn

I just heard a very interesting talk on the radio with Marianne Williamson, well renowned spiritual author.

She was pointing out to the fact that “you have no morally persuasive power with people who can feel your underlying contempt”, as Martin Luther King apparently said.

I just love that quote.

So to the wife who is p…off because her husband went to soccer last Saturday afternoon instead of taking care of the kids, you may have a valid reason for thinking your partner should have spent more time with the kids, but the bottom line is that he will not hear you if you were judging him when you said so.

On the opposite, quite the contrary is likely to happen: he is more likely to resist that and a part of him will make him not want to do it. Why? because what he heard you say (and maybe what you wanted to convey!) is ” you SHOULD be with your kids”.

Your partner has to come to the conclusion that he needs to spend more time with his kids by himself. He will not if he feels you are judging him or pulling him from what he wants to do.

So what do you need to do? Say what YOU need, and say how YOU feel but don’t make your partner feel as if he is a bad father/mother because then he really will no longer be able to hear what you need and how you feel.

HOW we say things makes a huge difference, as well as our energy when we say it. Under our apparent tolerance, are we really accepting our partner completely?

Can’t wait to hear from you!

Most couples come to see me because they are not getting along.

“Not getting along” can come in various forms however, from avoiding discussions to fighting all the time about everything.

Both are bad for your relationship, but fighting all the time can be worse, especially when it becomes nasty. Nasty fighting usually involves contempt, which is the most harmful behaviours in relationships.

Here is an example of a nasty fight involving contempt:

He: can’t you be a bit more rational about this? (contempt: this comes across as “you are crazy”)

She: yeah, you do that really well don’t you? being rational about everything, making up long theories about simple things (sneering, sarcasm, which are both a form of contempt)

He: well, thank god there is someone in the house who is rational, otherwise, I don’t know where we would be today! (contempt again which comes here in the guise of assuming a higher moral ground)

She: Oh stop your “BS”, I’m so tired of listening to this (contempt in the form of a swearword)

This can go on and on forever. The topic of the discussion does not really matter at this point. This couple has lost their basic respect for one another and anything can fuel a nasty fight.

Such conversations happen when resentment builds up.

Usually, it starts when one of the partner is contemptuous and does that repeatedly over time, creating resentment and eventually revenge (further defensiveness and contempt) as a reaction from the other.

Such nasty fights also are proven to be very harmful to partners’ health in the long run.

So bottom line: don’t do  contempt!

You want to know how? read my next blog post!

Do you recognise yourself or some of the people around you in the example above?

Interested to read your comments.

Watch me talk about sticking to your new year’s resolutions on Dubai One television:

http://vod.dmi.ae/media/video/58349/Studio_One___S2_Ep_64

The new year signals for many the possibility for new beginnings. It is very human to want to change and to better oneself.

Entering a new year offers a symbolic opportunity to do that.

Half of us however will have given up on their new year’s resolutions by June.

Here are 3 tips to help you fulfil your new year’s resolutions:

1) Make  sure your resolutions are INSPIRATIONAL, are aligned with your values, your essence, and not something you decide to do out of obligation or on the basis of your ego.

A powerful resolution is one that is aligned with the essence, purpose, or values of the person.

One of the reasons half of new year’s resolutions fail is because they are often based on fear or ego ( being the best at something for ex)

2) VISUALISE how you want things to be, dream the changes you want to see happen.

Let yourself be pulled towards your goal. Imagine what it would be like; Picture the results; for example if your resolution is to stop smoking or start exercising, vision yourself as healthy, in good health.

Do that with the help of someone – a coach – who will help you connect with feelings associated with the goal you wish to reach, and who will help you explore your best hopes and your worst fears.

There will be plenty of times when doubt will sink in, when you just dont feel like it anymore. At that time, get support, see your coach who will help you manage your saboteurs.

3) Make your resolutions SPECIFIC, like I am going to exercise 20 min a day instead of “I will get into shape”. I will avoid eating certain foods, etc and review your progress.

Breaking things in small chunks can also be helpful as well as asking for the support of allies (families, friends, coach). What support will you need when things get difficult?

Eventually,  take care of yourself: new year’s resolutions are about the changes we want to see in our lives. They are a sign of our human nature who always wants to better itself but is sometimes unskillfull at doing so.

Change can be challenging. They take us to our edges, to our limits. When things get hard remember that there is no failure, only what you make out of it.

Happy new year!

As varied and diverse as each couple is, they all face a common set of problems which brings them to seek outside help.

Here is a list the 4 most common ones:

1. Fighting: going on and on in circles around the same issues without ever finding a satisfactory solutions. This leads to frustration, withdrawal and in the long term, increased isolation from the relationship. Conflicts are characterised by the presence of 4 relationship toxins: criticism; defensiveness; stonewalling; contempt (the most harmful one).

2. Sex: not having any; having different levels of desires. As long as both partners are satisfied with that, the frequency of sex is not necessarily a problem. However, when one of the partners is unsatisfied with their sex life and fails to address this with his or partner, this can point to deeper problems in the relationship. Couple coaching is about understanding the meaning of sex for each of you, exploring questions such as intimacy and expressing what you want and need.

3. Money: your partner may be spending more than you wish to or not enough. This issue often points out to certain fears which are not understood by the other, for example being afraid of not being able to support the family financially; or wanting the family to enjoy life to the fullest.

Please read my blog on the topic of discussing money and sex with less tension: http://www.lighthousecoaching.ae/blog/3-steps-to-discuss-money-sex-and-children-with-less-tension/

4. Affairs:  Affairs are very often a sign that something “is trying to happen” in your relationship. They entail a lot of guilt, pain hurt and sadness for both parties. Couple coaching is about helping you two process these emotions and understand why the affair happened. Oftentimes, affairs occur because something is missing in the married relationship. Coaching is about uncovering that, and helping you bounce back and create your relationship anew so you can create a shared meaning out of this traumatic event. You can read about my blog on the topic: http://www.lighthousecoaching.ae/blog/4-tips-on-getting-over-an-affair/

Which one of  these problems do you face in your marriage? how have you overcome them? I am curious to hear from you.